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00:00:21,470 --> 00:00:29,219
Good evening. Wonderful to be back with
you once again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed

2
00:00:29,220 --> 00:00:32,658
it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we were hoping to have

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00:00:32,659 --> 00:00:36,419
man who crossed a Venus flytrap with a
zip fastener, but we've just heard that

4
00:00:36,420 --> 00:00:38,770
he's rather caught up in his work at the
moment.

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00:00:39,580 --> 00:00:44,439
But I will be talking to the head of a
Home Office research team which revealed

6
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,480
today what Scotsmen do with their old
razor blades.

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00:00:47,860 --> 00:00:48,910
They shave with them.

8
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:52,810
But first, the news.

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00:00:52,811 --> 00:00:57,049
Sigmund Frisby, Britain's worst darts
player, was sentenced to ten years'

10
00:00:57,050 --> 00:00:58,569
imprisonment at the Old Bailey today.

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00:00:58,570 --> 00:01:01,220
He threw himself on the mercy of the
court and missed.

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00:01:03,430 --> 00:01:09,069
And, uh, confirmation tonight that a
Manchester teacher with special

13
00:01:09,070 --> 00:01:13,270
responsibilities for sex education has
eloped with one of his visual aides.

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00:01:19,630 --> 00:01:20,680
But now sketch.

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00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:24,299
Featuring Mr. Ronnie Corbett, a man who
once applied to a computer dating agency

16
00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:28,139
for a partner. He asked for one of small
stature, who likes to dress formally,

17
00:01:28,140 --> 00:01:31,260
enjoys swimming, and is gregarious. They
sent him a penguin.

18
00:01:39,660 --> 00:01:43,919
Well, scintillating company here as
usual, Harriet. I really don't know how

19
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:44,569
do it.

20
00:01:44,570 --> 00:01:48,029
You seem to be able to breathe life into
any old dollar collection of people.

21
00:01:48,030 --> 00:01:50,969
Yes, talking of breathing life, Roger,
have you been at the Garlic?

22
00:01:50,970 --> 00:01:52,770
Me? Would you mean my breath?

23
00:01:53,230 --> 00:01:54,350
No. No?

24
00:01:54,351 --> 00:01:59,169
No. Well, someone around here is
polluting the atmosphere. I wonder who

25
00:01:59,170 --> 00:02:00,220
be. Yes.

26
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:01,300
Hello, Harriet.

27
00:02:01,610 --> 00:02:02,660
Oh, hi.

28
00:02:04,370 --> 00:02:08,409
Hartley. Harry Hartley. How do you do?
How do you do, Mr. Hartley? Actually,

29
00:02:08,410 --> 00:02:12,750
it's Huntington Hartley, but we don't
bother about the hyphen. Oh, no.

30
00:02:13,910 --> 00:02:17,050
Mark, look after the guest. See you
later. Oh, yes, yes, bye -bye.

31
00:02:17,350 --> 00:02:18,550
Hasta la vista, Harriet.

32
00:02:20,110 --> 00:02:22,350
Hell of a good hostess, Harriet, isn't
she?

33
00:02:23,270 --> 00:02:26,890
Absolutely, 100 % her boy. Yes, oh, yes,
quite.

34
00:02:26,891 --> 00:02:27,949
Anything the matter?

35
00:02:27,950 --> 00:02:30,069
No, I think I've got something in my eye
or something.

36
00:02:30,070 --> 00:02:33,069
Oh, dear, let me have a look. No, no,
no, no, it's all right, it's all right.

37
00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:36,200
It's just watering, and it is probably
hay fever. Oh, hay fever.

38
00:02:36,310 --> 00:02:38,790
Hay fever, absolutely.

39
00:02:40,070 --> 00:02:41,860
Absolutely. Horrid, eh, boy?

40
00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:47,040
Horrid. I suffered from it on holiday
once in, um, in Helensborough.

41
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:50,960
Oh, yes. You know, yes, and I had to
hibernate in the hotel the entire

42
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:56,119
You must sit down. I'm feeling a bit of
faint. Perhaps I can recommend you my

43
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,900
hay fever, ma 'am. Oh, really?

44
00:02:58,160 --> 00:02:59,780
Expensive? Uh, holly street.

45
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:05,500
Not waiting for the health service. No,
no, no. I hope. Yes, hope. Yes, hope.

46
00:03:05,540 --> 00:03:09,999
Absolutely hope. Yes, I have an old
wives remedy. I twist my neck right

47
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:13,740
like that, you see. And then I hold my
breath for as long as I possibly can.

48
00:03:14,460 --> 00:03:15,880
Oh, I see.

49
00:03:15,881 --> 00:03:19,899
There are some old wives tales about
these. I listen to the young wives tales

50
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:23,179
mostly. Around these parts, people get
up some rather interesting things. Are

51
00:03:23,180 --> 00:03:25,700
you married at all? How many... Oh,
sorry.

52
00:03:25,701 --> 00:03:30,739
I've got three children, as a matter of
fact. Gosh, can't you hold your breath a

53
00:03:30,740 --> 00:03:31,790
long time?

54
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,780
All my three children are away at
school, as a matter of fact.

55
00:03:36,180 --> 00:03:41,120
Helen, Helen, bless her heart, Helen is
in St. Hilda.

56
00:03:41,460 --> 00:03:47,560
And Hector is in Hilda Romana, which is
in Hertfordshire. And dear Harry,

57
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:51,240
Harry, Harry, bless his heart, has a
tarot on the hill.

58
00:03:56,991 --> 00:04:03,359
Turn back, everyone. What are you going
to do? I'm going to give him the kiss of

59
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:04,410
life.

60
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:09,240
What the hell happened to him, Harry?

61
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:10,650
Sorry, Harry.

62
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,240
Halitosis. Oh, has he really?

63
00:04:13,241 --> 00:04:17,299
I didn't notice. Then, of course, I
wouldn't. I had a touch of garlic in the

64
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:18,440
dressing at lunchtime.

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00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:22,009
Greetings,

66
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:30,850
greetings.

67
00:04:30,851 --> 00:04:35,659
I am the guru, swami, Baghdad, Mata
Hari, Ananda, Varanda, Andanda, Andover,

68
00:04:35,660 --> 00:04:36,920
god -to -blimey yogi bear.

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00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:43,619
Now you are thinking, it's all very well
being the guru, swami, Baghdad, Mata

70
00:04:43,620 --> 00:04:45,060
Hari, etc., etc., yogi bear.

71
00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:49,240
But what has this to do with you? Oh my
goodness, look you whatever I'm in.

72
00:04:50,380 --> 00:04:54,420
Well, when I am a boy in Panty Jerry, I
was very bad, bad boy.

73
00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:57,710
Every morning I'm throwing puffer dumbs
at my grandmother.

74
00:04:58,060 --> 00:04:59,800
We're having all -nighter parties.

75
00:05:02,730 --> 00:05:03,990
Hyderabad to Hydroverse.

76
00:05:04,790 --> 00:05:06,230
A little Indian joke.

77
00:05:06,510 --> 00:05:12,569
I am going to school at the age of 23.
My qualifications are 11 plus in geology

78
00:05:12,570 --> 00:05:13,620
field.

79
00:05:14,570 --> 00:05:18,549
Finally, I am walking in the jungle and
meeting with a woman who is coming back

80
00:05:18,550 --> 00:05:23,069
from washing herself in the river. She
is wearing only a lion cloth in which

81
00:05:23,070 --> 00:05:24,930
keeps her curried lentil sandwiches.

82
00:05:26,190 --> 00:05:29,150
Oh my crikey, I say what beautiful
sandwiches.

83
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,400
You have a lot to learn, she said.

84
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:36,440
Oh, she goes in, out, in, out, even more
than the Oxford Eight.

85
00:05:38,180 --> 00:05:43,519
She said, oh, man, before you light two
paths, there's the lower path by the

86
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:47,319
River of Sensuality, where you will meet
with many women making eyes like

87
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,090
startled roebuck and wearing see
-through doughties.

88
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,630
And some have the sari with the fringe
on top.

89
00:05:53,540 --> 00:05:58,049
Then there's the upper path over the
high mountains. This is the path... Of

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00:05:58,050 --> 00:06:00,790
scholar and sage and onions and
wandering monks.

91
00:06:01,130 --> 00:06:03,240
And wholly full of whores and holy
people.

92
00:06:03,410 --> 00:06:04,460
What to do?

93
00:06:04,510 --> 00:06:07,510
Well, I tell you. I go on lower path
pretty damn quick.

94
00:06:08,530 --> 00:06:11,070
Oh, we could trump it better than
Papadum any day.

95
00:06:13,490 --> 00:06:19,569
And my qualification is only one night
of love with Kashmir Kate at the Kama

96
00:06:19,570 --> 00:06:21,010
Sutta Cafe Bangalore failed.

97
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:26,160
One morning I am walking by the river,
not in it because I get wet.

98
00:06:27,860 --> 00:06:32,320
And the butterflies, the butterflies
flutter by. Yes, beautiful.

99
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:34,400
And the flowers flower.

100
00:06:34,620 --> 00:06:35,670
Yes, beautiful.

101
00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:38,000
And on the pathway is a little slug.

102
00:06:38,620 --> 00:06:42,299
And he is getting up on his final legs
and he speak to me. He said, Sadhu, he

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00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:44,440
say. And I say, Sadhu too. And he say,
no.

104
00:06:51,050 --> 00:06:53,640
Renounce this life of fleshly lust and
curry beans.

105
00:06:53,970 --> 00:06:58,229
Go to England and become the first
television guru and teach the poor

106
00:06:58,230 --> 00:06:59,810
the way, or even several ways.

107
00:07:00,230 --> 00:07:05,149
And they say, Master, I will. I will go
to Milton Keynes and get open university

108
00:07:05,150 --> 00:07:07,450
degree in transcendental medication.

109
00:07:08,270 --> 00:07:10,800
Yogi Carmichael and advanced Raphael
work there.

110
00:07:11,570 --> 00:07:15,250
Now, what is my message to you? Oh, my
God, the cocoa's coming off.

111
00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:21,039
Some of you are saying, this man is not
a genuine Indian Indian. He is from

112
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:25,039
Basildon, Newtown, with Irish mother and
father from our bros who travel in

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00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,090
cocoa.

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00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,540
No, no, no. To these sceptics, I say,
just sticks to you.

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00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,580
Now listen, O unholy ones, to my
teaching, go to blimey.

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00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,460
Two sheep were grazing in a pasture.

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00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,480
Bah, said the first sheep.

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00:07:38,780 --> 00:07:40,240
Moo, said the second sheep.

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00:07:40,241 --> 00:07:43,799
The first sheep looked at his companion.
What are you doing? He said, what are

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00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:44,319
you doing?

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00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,670
He said, the sheep going to go moo. They
say, bah.

122
00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:50,930
I know that, I know that, says the other
sheep. I'm learning a foreign language.

123
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,020
What does this teach us? Nothing.

124
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:59,180
But always remember, no matter how hot
the day is, at night it will get dark.

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00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:02,310
And many a true word is spoken through
false teeth.

126
00:08:04,260 --> 00:08:08,579
So always be sincere, whether you mean
it or not, because into each life a

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00:08:08,580 --> 00:08:10,930
little rain must fall, usually at the
weekend.

128
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:15,000
And success is relative. The more
success, the more relatives.

129
00:08:18,510 --> 00:08:19,650
Oh, my God, six o 'clock.

130
00:08:20,110 --> 00:08:23,550
I have not had time to tell you how to
throw away all material goods.

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00:08:23,830 --> 00:08:28,249
You are dealing with this even later
than earlier. My friends, remember well

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00:08:28,250 --> 00:08:32,389
what I have told you and let the final
word come from my guru, that self -same

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00:08:32,390 --> 00:08:35,230
very holy slug, the Swami Slimy
Sluggerishi.

134
00:08:35,450 --> 00:08:36,500
There he is now.

135
00:08:36,789 --> 00:08:37,929
Who's a pity boy, then?

136
00:08:39,030 --> 00:08:43,150
I think that says it all, Effendi. As we
say in Basildon, cheerio cock.

137
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,500
Your Harry's still got his nerves.

138
00:08:59,420 --> 00:09:02,320
Whereabouts? No, his nerves, dear.

139
00:09:02,660 --> 00:09:08,519
He seems getting more nervy. Oh,
restless. Oh, yes, yes. He's so

140
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:10,640
know, he don't even feel at home at
home.

141
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:14,950
The trouble is, he's getting so
accustomed to being tense, when he calms

142
00:09:15,020 --> 00:09:16,070
it makes him nervous.

143
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,800
Perhaps he should change his doctor.

144
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:23,499
Oh, not him, no. That doctor did
something for Harry that not many

145
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:24,499
do. What's that?

146
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:28,460
Well, he treated him for a double
earlier, and he only charged him for the

147
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:35,280
Please welcome our guest this week,
Sheena Eaton.

148
00:09:50,060 --> 00:09:54,379
You're the seventh son of the seventh
son

149
00:09:54,380 --> 00:10:01,039
Maybe that's why you're such a strange

150
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:07,519
and special one You can't even seem to

151
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:14,320
love yourself And with a few exceptions

152
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,140
but you cannot make him drink.

153
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:32,720
You can give a man your whole heart and
soul, but you cannot...

154
00:11:08,430 --> 00:11:10,790
Exactly the place and the time.

155
00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:14,590
You might really want to be there.

156
00:13:13,230 --> 00:13:15,030
I wonder if you could tell me the time.

157
00:13:15,050 --> 00:13:17,070
Certainly, sir. It's 3 .30.

158
00:13:20,790 --> 00:13:23,310
I asked you the time.

159
00:13:24,990 --> 00:13:26,310
It's quarter past seven.

160
00:13:29,090 --> 00:13:30,140
Well?

161
00:13:30,750 --> 00:13:31,990
I don't know.

162
00:13:32,530 --> 00:13:33,580
No, don't you?

163
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:37,710
Can you tell me how to get to
Walthamstow? Yes, if you take a...

164
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:42,820
I think I made my meaning clear.

165
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:44,250
I'm sorry.

166
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:45,370
No,

167
00:13:45,371 --> 00:13:46,979
you're not.

168
00:13:46,980 --> 00:13:48,030
No, I'm not.

169
00:13:48,140 --> 00:13:49,190
No, you're not.

170
00:13:49,191 --> 00:13:53,199
Can you tell me where I can get a decent
cup of coffee? Yes, if you just... How

171
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,380
the hell should I know?

172
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,440
Because it's your job. Get lost.

173
00:13:58,441 --> 00:14:01,579
Congratulations, you've passed the test.
Welcome to British Rail Information

174
00:14:01,580 --> 00:14:02,630
Service.

175
00:14:22,190 --> 00:14:26,249
Our gruesome twosome, Piggy and Charlie,
have reached Madeira, on board the

176
00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:30,069
pleasure cruiser from which girls have
been mysteriously disappearing, members

177
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:32,190
of Mrs. Bumstead's all -ladies
orchestra.

178
00:14:32,950 --> 00:14:36,989
After many fruitless attempts at a
solution, they now find themselves in

179
00:14:36,990 --> 00:14:40,360
less fashionable part of the town, in a
sleazy Chinese restaurant.

180
00:14:42,310 --> 00:14:47,189
They are even now about to make
themselves known to the slant -eyed

181
00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:50,690
the aid of a message on a card planted
in Piggy's pocket earlier.

182
00:14:51,980 --> 00:14:53,030
How fat?

183
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:54,960
Huh? How fat?

184
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,890
That's obviously the wrong code,
Charlie.

185
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:05,840
I'll just read the numbers out. 3, 15,
23, 6, 21, 20.

186
00:15:11,340 --> 00:15:12,390
Well,

187
00:15:15,161 --> 00:15:18,319
that obviously made an impression.

188
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:19,370
Time to get the boss.

189
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:21,700
Look out, here comes another one.

190
00:15:24,930 --> 00:15:25,980
Drink, sir?

191
00:15:26,210 --> 00:15:29,250
Ah, yes, please. Do you do Moti -chenko
specials?

192
00:15:29,510 --> 00:15:30,560
Moti -choko?

193
00:15:31,190 --> 00:15:32,240
Moti -chenko.

194
00:15:32,241 --> 00:15:36,109
Tibetan rice wine with aniseed and
ginger, served with orange juice and

195
00:15:36,110 --> 00:15:37,160
Angostura bitters.

196
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:40,290
No, we don't. Oh, well, have a brown
ale, then.

197
00:15:41,401 --> 00:15:43,249
Me too.

198
00:15:43,250 --> 00:15:44,310
Two brown ales.

199
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:50,009
He was a bit of an heavyweight, wasn't
he? Yeah, funny, really. Because usually

200
00:15:50,010 --> 00:15:52,029
in Chinese restaurants, the waiters are
small.

201
00:15:52,030 --> 00:15:54,320
I was a... Well, to make the portions
look bigger.

202
00:15:55,800 --> 00:16:00,460
Talking of food, why don't we have a
little bit to eat now, eh?

203
00:16:00,461 --> 00:16:03,039
No, why don't we just wait a while? I
mean, we don't know what's going to

204
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:06,860
happen, do we? Just wait, see what the
password brings forth.

205
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:21,369
That's sweet and sour chicken, beef and
spring onion, plum balls... Special

206
00:16:21,370 --> 00:16:23,110
mixed veggie and fried rice and egg.

207
00:16:23,111 --> 00:16:26,689
You're not from round these parts, are
you?

208
00:16:26,690 --> 00:16:27,740
No, China.

209
00:16:30,150 --> 00:16:31,490
What is all this, anyhow?

210
00:16:31,970 --> 00:16:33,050
It's what you ordered.

211
00:16:33,370 --> 00:16:37,510
Three, fifteen, twenty -three, six,
twenty -one and twenty.

212
00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:39,990
That's what the numbers meant, Chief.

213
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,630
And here's the special.

214
00:16:42,390 --> 00:16:43,440
Twenty -three.

215
00:16:43,690 --> 00:16:48,790
That boiled squid and baby snail cooked
with Chinese nettle and goat's milk.

216
00:16:48,990 --> 00:16:51,590
Is that... Very rare Chinese traditional
dish.

217
00:16:51,970 --> 00:16:54,050
Yeah, not many people order that one.

218
00:16:54,290 --> 00:16:55,340
Why not?

219
00:16:55,490 --> 00:16:56,540
Tastes horrible.

220
00:16:58,090 --> 00:17:00,620
I thought we were given all these
numbers on a card.

221
00:17:00,761 --> 00:17:02,709
Oh, yeah.

222
00:17:02,710 --> 00:17:03,760
This card here.

223
00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:08,300
Yum choy.

224
00:17:14,530 --> 00:17:16,820
That's another blind alley we've been
let up.

225
00:17:16,821 --> 00:17:19,389
Well, at least we've got something to
eat, haven't we? Yeah, mind you, I'm

226
00:17:19,390 --> 00:17:22,170
to avoid number 23. Don't fancy the
sound of that. Okay.

227
00:17:22,390 --> 00:17:26,060
Must have had a very funny taste,
whoever wrote those numbers on the card.

228
00:17:26,290 --> 00:17:28,230
Squid, snail, nettles, goats.

229
00:17:29,930 --> 00:17:30,980
Yeah, please.

230
00:17:31,110 --> 00:17:37,430
We'll have number 3, number 15, number
6, number 21,

231
00:17:37,710 --> 00:17:40,690
20, and 23.

232
00:17:41,450 --> 00:17:42,500
23.

233
00:17:45,630 --> 00:17:46,680
Yes, please.

234
00:17:49,130 --> 00:17:50,230
73, did you hear that?

235
00:17:50,910 --> 00:17:52,290
I know that voice and all.

236
00:17:53,350 --> 00:17:56,230
Over there, in the corner, behind the
alcove.

237
00:17:57,750 --> 00:18:00,310
You go to the loo and have a look at it.

238
00:18:04,030 --> 00:18:06,690
Go and look in the alcove, see who it
is.

239
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,980
It's Jane and June, the two
clarinetists.

240
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,480
That's how the car got in your trousers.

241
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,620
And they undressed us the other night.

242
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:39,130
Did they spot you?

243
00:18:39,180 --> 00:18:40,920
No, I peeped with them over a grill.

244
00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:44,090
What grill? A mixed grill. Somebody was
eating on the grill.

245
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:46,610
Here.

246
00:18:46,940 --> 00:18:50,490
They were supposed to have disappeared
with the rest of the orchestra.

247
00:18:51,140 --> 00:18:52,600
They must have been on this.

248
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,300
Here, under forced pretenses.

249
00:18:55,740 --> 00:18:56,790
It's a trap.

250
00:18:56,820 --> 00:18:57,870
We've got to get out.

251
00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:00,300
What a waste of good food, eh?

252
00:19:00,301 --> 00:19:03,279
Oh, well, we'd better cause a commotion
and beat it, all right? Yeah, but we

253
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,739
don't want them to recognise our voices.
Now, are you ready?

254
00:19:05,740 --> 00:19:07,660
Come on, two more mouthfuls. All right.

255
00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:17,840
Oh, waiter, look, it's disgusting.
There's a dead cockroach in my food.

256
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:21,580
Take it away. I can't stay here a minute
longer.

257
00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:24,720
Come, Gerald, let us leave this dreadful
place.

258
00:19:25,180 --> 00:19:27,350
Please, gentlemen, there's no need to
get...

259
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,080
Where'd you get that cockerel?

260
00:19:47,081 --> 00:19:49,879
I always carry a couple of them. I got
it from a joke shop in Charing Cross

261
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,160
Road. Maybe it's a free dinner I've ever
done.

262
00:19:52,161 --> 00:19:57,859
These two girls are up to no good, you
know. Yeah. I reckon, you know, we ought

263
00:19:57,860 --> 00:20:02,079
to hide inside their cabin. We might
overhear something. Well, I'm game if

264
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:03,130
are.

265
00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:06,720
As a matter of fact, I've always found
twins rather attractive.

266
00:20:06,721 --> 00:20:10,119
Now, they're not twins. Well, good as,
aren't they? Good as. Couple of good

267
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:11,740
-lookers, aren't they? Oh, yeah.

268
00:20:12,380 --> 00:20:16,520
You know, some time ago, I took out a
pair of twins one night.

269
00:20:16,820 --> 00:20:18,860
Really? Yeah. Did you have a good time?

270
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:20,950
Yes and no.

271
00:20:24,170 --> 00:20:28,409
And so the very next evening, Piggy and
Charlie prepare to conceal themselves in

272
00:20:28,410 --> 00:20:29,460
the girls' cabin.

273
00:20:35,070 --> 00:20:36,210
I'll go in the wardrobe.

274
00:20:36,430 --> 00:20:37,690
Yes, you go under the bunk.

275
00:20:37,890 --> 00:20:39,030
You got your roll?

276
00:20:39,031 --> 00:20:40,109
Oh, yeah, yeah.

277
00:20:40,110 --> 00:20:43,090
What is this roll? Is it some kind of
decoy or trick, is it?

278
00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:46,170
No, you eat it when you're hungry. I
mean, I know you.

279
00:20:56,940 --> 00:20:57,990
Room service.

280
00:20:59,860 --> 00:21:02,160
Not at the moment, thank you. I'm in the
shower.

281
00:21:02,660 --> 00:21:05,180
Pardon? You can't come in. I'm in the
shower.

282
00:21:06,060 --> 00:21:07,500
I'm in a place to have a shower.

283
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:08,770
In the wardrobe.

284
00:21:10,631 --> 00:21:15,079
What do you think you should wear for
this, Shandy?

285
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:16,280
I think a little program.

286
00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:21,339
Well, we've got three minutes to change
if we're going to make that dark side

287
00:21:21,340 --> 00:21:22,390
butt. Plenty of time.

288
00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:26,820
Did you see what Mrs. Bromstead was
wearing today? That floral...

289
00:21:26,940 --> 00:21:29,590
They say all her clothes are made to
measure. Really?

290
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:31,420
I wonder who for.

291
00:21:33,171 --> 00:21:34,659
She

292
00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:44,079
told

293
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,680
me when she was young she had an
hourglass figure.

294
00:21:47,060 --> 00:21:50,010
Yeah, the only trouble is all the sand
has run to the bottom.

295
00:21:58,410 --> 00:22:00,150
It's already taken her six years.

296
00:22:01,330 --> 00:22:04,510
Like the anklet my boyfriend bought me.
Oh, that's beautiful.

297
00:22:04,970 --> 00:22:06,410
What's it got engraved on it?

298
00:22:06,730 --> 00:22:07,830
Oh, that was his idea.

299
00:22:08,190 --> 00:22:09,250
Why? What's it say?

300
00:22:09,950 --> 00:22:11,000
Heavens above.

301
00:22:13,851 --> 00:22:16,709
How are we doing for tonight?

302
00:22:16,710 --> 00:22:18,030
Fine. We'll make it easily.

303
00:22:18,031 --> 00:22:22,509
Of course, there's a lot to be said in
Mrs. Bones' favor.

304
00:22:22,510 --> 00:22:23,560
Oh, yes.

305
00:22:23,750 --> 00:22:26,010
But it's not nearly so interesting.

306
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:32,230
It's true she's a medium. She looks more
like an extra large to me.

307
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,520
It's her birthday soon.

308
00:22:42,780 --> 00:22:47,219
Remember last year when the girls baked
her a cake with 39 candles on it? In the

309
00:22:47,220 --> 00:22:48,480
shape of a question mark?

310
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:53,950
This year they're planning to set fire
to the whole cake.

311
00:23:14,190 --> 00:23:15,270
You want to tell them?

312
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:44,339
And so the plot thickens as the
dastardly Chinese villain welcomes the

313
00:23:44,340 --> 00:23:45,560
twins into his cabin.

314
00:23:45,980 --> 00:23:47,500
But who else is involved?

315
00:23:47,940 --> 00:23:50,180
How large is Mrs. Bunce's role?

316
00:23:50,380 --> 00:23:52,280
What was in Piggy Malone's role?

317
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:58,720
Don't miss next week's tantalizing
episode of Band of Slaves.

318
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,140
What is the difference between a duck?

319
00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:37,920
Are you looking for something?

320
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:40,520
I dropped a tempeh over there.

321
00:24:40,521 --> 00:24:43,219
Oh, well, why are you looking over here,
then?

322
00:24:43,220 --> 00:24:44,980
Well, the light's better over here.

323
00:24:46,220 --> 00:24:48,810
I don't know. What is the difference
between a duck?

324
00:24:48,811 --> 00:24:51,499
Well, it's a competition in the back of
the paper.

325
00:24:51,500 --> 00:24:52,179
Oh, is it?

326
00:24:52,180 --> 00:24:55,340
Oh, well, the answer will be in the
back, then. Oh, right.

327
00:24:55,620 --> 00:24:58,560
Oh, I'll go down to Duck Pond later on
and have a look. Yes.

328
00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:03,220
You are open, are you?

329
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:05,760
I don't rightly know. The clock stopped.

330
00:25:05,761 --> 00:25:07,139
Oh, dear.

331
00:25:07,140 --> 00:25:08,540
What time did it stop?

332
00:25:08,780 --> 00:25:09,940
I don't know. I want year.

333
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:11,250
Oh.

334
00:25:36,330 --> 00:25:39,650
Curly. No, no, no. George was out there
talking to Harry.

335
00:25:39,870 --> 00:25:41,930
Oh. Was he on his own? They both were.

336
00:25:45,330 --> 00:25:46,890
What's in that parcel there?

337
00:25:47,670 --> 00:25:50,980
Don't write me now. It's all covered up
with paper, you see. Oh, yeah.

338
00:25:51,610 --> 00:25:53,350
Here's someone pinched my car.

339
00:25:53,830 --> 00:25:54,950
Well, that won't be it.

340
00:25:56,950 --> 00:25:58,570
Oh, mine was a green one.

341
00:25:58,850 --> 00:26:00,230
Oh, yeah. Who stole it then?

342
00:26:00,490 --> 00:26:02,430
A man with one leg in the high street.

343
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:04,500
Where was this other lad?

344
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:08,620
He ran off with it.

345
00:26:11,100 --> 00:26:12,540
Dear, I shall get it back.

346
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,410
How's that? Well, I managed to catch the
number.

347
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:16,610
Oh, well,

348
00:26:17,471 --> 00:26:19,499
I'm off.

349
00:26:19,500 --> 00:26:21,180
What do you mean? You weren't here.

350
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:25,239
Well, I know that, but it means my day
off. Oh, well, who's going to run the

351
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,360
then? Well, you'll have to. Oh, right
-o.

352
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,030
Here, do you want a drink for you,
though?

353
00:26:30,140 --> 00:26:31,240
Well, why not?

354
00:26:31,450 --> 00:26:33,440
Of course, why not? It's my day off.
Yeah.

355
00:26:34,830 --> 00:26:38,810
I'll have a pint of ale. You'll have to
wait, I'm sure, with another gentleman.

356
00:26:42,670 --> 00:26:43,830
Who's that, then? Me.

357
00:26:43,831 --> 00:26:48,569
Well, I don't mind waiting, then. Would
you like a drink? What are you waiting?

358
00:26:48,570 --> 00:26:49,769
Well, it's very kind of you.

359
00:26:49,770 --> 00:26:50,820
I'll have a whiskey.

360
00:26:50,830 --> 00:26:51,910
Oh, right, which one?

361
00:26:52,050 --> 00:26:56,020
Could I have that little one just under
the top there, just in the middle there?

362
00:26:56,110 --> 00:26:57,160
Right.

363
00:27:10,370 --> 00:27:11,420
Oh, dear.

364
00:27:12,210 --> 00:27:13,830
That's bad. What were you saying?

365
00:27:13,890 --> 00:27:16,240
I don't know. I wasn't listening too
carefully.

366
00:27:17,510 --> 00:27:19,810
You know, that is shaped like a balloon.

367
00:27:21,550 --> 00:27:23,530
Now, whatever is shaped like a balloon?

368
00:27:23,830 --> 00:27:24,880
Well, it's a balloon.

369
00:27:26,270 --> 00:27:27,670
Is it addressed to your mum?

370
00:27:28,190 --> 00:27:31,410
Oh, probably from my granddad. How do
you know that?

371
00:27:31,690 --> 00:27:33,800
Well, I think his name's on the other
side.

372
00:27:33,850 --> 00:27:36,330
Oh. Oh, it's probably to your granddad.

373
00:27:36,970 --> 00:27:39,870
What my grandad do is send a parcel to
his cell. No, no.

374
00:27:40,110 --> 00:27:44,310
No, from your mum, you see. The
postmistress has delivered it upside

375
00:27:44,311 --> 00:27:48,089
Well, how do you know the postmistress
has delivered it? Well, she delivers

376
00:27:48,090 --> 00:27:51,469
everything in this village, don't she?
Yeah, she does. Of course she does,

377
00:27:51,470 --> 00:27:53,640
She's the midwife and all, isn't she?
Yeah.

378
00:27:54,650 --> 00:27:58,250
Well, they buried old Jack yesterday in
Shropshire. What part?

379
00:27:58,490 --> 00:27:59,540
All of him.

380
00:28:03,870 --> 00:28:04,920
What do you have?

381
00:28:05,250 --> 00:28:06,810
Uh, the shepherd's pie, I think.

382
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,430
Last words were? Yeah, let me out, I'm
not dead.

383
00:28:16,020 --> 00:28:21,259
Here's one, here's one. Think of a
number between one and three. Oh, I

384
00:28:21,260 --> 00:28:22,310
that. Why's that?

385
00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:24,370
I was glad we did it between one and
three.

386
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:33,479
That parcel you referred to earlier,
that parcel's probably a balloon for the

387
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,850
party. Oh, well, there's only one way to
find out, ain't there, hey?

388
00:28:38,740 --> 00:28:39,790
Well?

389
00:28:40,010 --> 00:28:43,449
When old Frank now we'll never know

390
00:28:43,450 --> 00:28:52,829
Tonight

391
00:28:52,830 --> 00:28:59,769
I'd like if I may to tell you a very
funny joke about a golfer now by the way

392
00:28:59,770 --> 00:29:06,069
before I go on I want to reassure my
regular viewers if either of them is

393
00:29:06,070 --> 00:29:11,689
watching This week there will be This
week, there will be not so much as a

394
00:29:11,690 --> 00:29:14,650
single dirty laugh from the audience
here in the studio.

395
00:29:14,950 --> 00:29:21,909
Because this week, I am very pleased...
This week, I

396
00:29:21,910 --> 00:29:25,989
am very pleased to say the entire studio
audience is made up of members of the

397
00:29:25,990 --> 00:29:28,520
Shepherds Bush League of Temperance and
Justice.

398
00:29:30,090 --> 00:29:34,949
And not one of them would dream of
reading anything smutty into any

399
00:29:34,950 --> 00:29:36,030
remarks I might make.

400
00:29:36,910 --> 00:29:38,090
Now, the other night...

401
00:29:38,730 --> 00:29:41,690
I was lying in bed, feeling at a loose
end.

402
00:29:45,130 --> 00:29:46,370
I'm sorry? What?

403
00:29:47,510 --> 00:29:48,910
What's funny about that?

404
00:29:49,530 --> 00:29:53,590
You are the most naughty -minded
audience we have ever had in this

405
00:29:53,830 --> 00:29:56,120
And can you please come back again next
week?

406
00:29:56,850 --> 00:29:59,470
As I was saying, I was just lying in
bed.

407
00:29:59,920 --> 00:30:01,660
I just had a little tiff with my wife.

408
00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:09,059
She has got this silly idea into her
head, my wife, that I'm not spending

409
00:30:09,060 --> 00:30:10,160
time at home with her.

410
00:30:10,420 --> 00:30:12,280
In fact, she's a very suspicious mind.

411
00:30:12,460 --> 00:30:17,219
The last time she saw me in the BBC club
chatting up Sonia Lanaman and accused

412
00:30:17,220 --> 00:30:18,660
me of trying to pull a fast one.

413
00:30:21,140 --> 00:30:24,200
That was a night I remember.

414
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:27,610
That was a night I remember there was a
bit of an upset.

415
00:30:27,611 --> 00:30:30,209
There was a bit of an upset at the bar,
to be honest.

416
00:30:30,210 --> 00:30:34,749
Magnus Pike had just ordered a round of
drinks, and one of his arms had come

417
00:30:34,750 --> 00:30:35,800
loose.

418
00:30:37,550 --> 00:30:42,449
It was rather a special occasion for me,
to be honest, because that was the

419
00:30:42,450 --> 00:30:45,130
evening my agent bought me a gin and
tonic.

420
00:30:46,110 --> 00:30:49,420
Well, he didn't actually buy it. He
didn't actually. He got it for me

421
00:30:50,910 --> 00:30:52,290
I won't lie to you.

422
00:30:52,291 --> 00:30:56,189
He is something of a cheapskate. He's
the sort of man who hangs on to the same

423
00:30:56,190 --> 00:30:57,450
things forever, you know.

424
00:30:57,540 --> 00:31:01,210
rumor that he once bought himself a new
wallet and his jacket rejected it.

425
00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:08,519
I would not tell that joke. The joke I'm
actually going to tell is one I heard a

426
00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:11,419
few weeks ago when, as I say, I went to
the dentist. I was sitting in the

427
00:31:11,420 --> 00:31:15,139
waiting room at the dentist like you do,
you know. I was just, you know, reading

428
00:31:15,140 --> 00:31:16,190
a newspaper.

429
00:31:16,260 --> 00:31:17,460
Or was it the Daily Star?

430
00:31:17,700 --> 00:31:18,750
I can't remember.

431
00:31:19,740 --> 00:31:24,319
And my eye was caught by a little piece
headed, don't forget to put the clocks

432
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:25,370
back.

433
00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:30,659
some sort of warning to second -hand car
salesmen. And it brought back very

434
00:31:30,660 --> 00:31:35,919
happy memories, or brought back memories
of some sort, anyway, of my first

435
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:39,599
second -hand car. Now, goodness me, the
first car I ever bought, second -hand,

436
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:44,120
was so old, it was the only car I've
ever known with gargoyles on the

437
00:31:45,180 --> 00:31:49,880
It was so badly designed, so badly
designed, the roof rack was on the

438
00:31:49,881 --> 00:31:55,699
Not that the one we've got now is a lot
better, to be honest. On a cold morning,

439
00:31:55,700 --> 00:31:58,470
we have to kick -start the little dog in
the back window.

440
00:31:59,780 --> 00:32:03,999
The other day, my wife took it out for a
spin and there was a little bit of a

441
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:07,580
mishap. Trouble is, she doesn't really
understand cars fully.

442
00:32:07,581 --> 00:32:11,279
You know, she has been known to drive
into a garage and ask them to top up the

443
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:12,330
ashtrays.

444
00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:16,579
I've told her once before, I've told her
a thousand times, not to put too much

445
00:32:16,580 --> 00:32:17,630
air in the tyres.

446
00:32:17,631 --> 00:32:19,659
The other day she overdid it completely.

447
00:32:19,660 --> 00:32:22,190
She was last seen ballooning over
Dunstable Down.

448
00:32:23,380 --> 00:32:29,159
I was in the dentist's waiting room, you
see, and at this point the girl in

449
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:34,799
reception, dental floss as she's known,
she came over and she said to the

450
00:32:34,800 --> 00:32:39,320
dentist, Tony was ready for me, she
said, and now in order to put me to

451
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:42,530
he told me this joke. That's a
roundabout way of getting to it.

452
00:32:43,230 --> 00:32:47,649
And it concerns a chap who one day went
for a round of golf at this rather

453
00:32:47,650 --> 00:32:51,769
unfamiliar course. He hadn't played it
before. And afterwards, he's getting

454
00:32:51,770 --> 00:32:54,609
changed. He gets himself all smartened
up. And he's standing there in the

455
00:32:54,610 --> 00:32:57,370
showers, you know, musing on his
handicap.

456
00:33:00,770 --> 00:33:05,370
And all of a sudden, here's a group of
lady members outside the shower

457
00:33:05,371 --> 00:33:07,919
I wish they were here tonight.

458
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:13,739
He hears these women laughing and
realizes to his horror they're outside,

459
00:33:13,740 --> 00:33:16,639
know, getting, they're getting
undressed. And he's actually in the

460
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:19,920
shower. Oh, my God. He said,

461
00:33:21,420 --> 00:33:23,950
I can't look. Come in here and see my
embarrassment.

462
00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:30,610
You are not the shepherd's boot temper
in society.

463
00:33:30,780 --> 00:33:35,459
So not wanting to be recognized in such
a compromising situation, he grabs the

464
00:33:35,460 --> 00:33:37,840
nearest towel and puts it over his head.

465
00:33:38,660 --> 00:33:43,340
And he dashes out of the shower past
these three women.

466
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:47,710
And the women, not unnaturally, stare at
him, mumbling words like, good heavens,

467
00:33:47,780 --> 00:33:48,830
well, I never.

468
00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:51,340
And will you marry me?

469
00:33:51,341 --> 00:33:56,989
Who on earth was that, says one of the
first ones. Well, he's not my husband.

470
00:33:56,990 --> 00:33:58,929
Second one said, well, he's not even my
husband.

471
00:33:58,930 --> 00:34:01,520
The third one said he's not even a
member of the club.

472
00:34:30,730 --> 00:34:32,550
We brought the family.

473
00:34:33,170 --> 00:34:36,350
Curly kids and curly males. Jogs for
pearly, curly cows.

474
00:34:36,570 --> 00:34:40,968
Curly, twirly girlies with pearly,
twirly frocks. Pearly, surly mother -in

475
00:34:40,969 --> 00:34:42,350
with flea -nugly clumps.

476
00:34:44,389 --> 00:34:45,439
Everyone's a swell.

477
00:34:45,690 --> 00:34:48,530
Every cost a jacky, cost a fracky, can't
you tell?

478
00:34:48,830 --> 00:34:54,070
You try to join us for a spell when
you're in the old campground.

479
00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:03,979
If you're cocked the same as me, it's
amazing you'll agree how we've conjured

480
00:35:03,980 --> 00:35:05,340
a language all our own.

481
00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:09,979
Cos we're talking all in rhyme and we
talk it all the time. It's the most

482
00:35:09,980 --> 00:35:11,600
peculiar lingo ever known.

483
00:35:11,601 --> 00:35:12,739
Too right!

484
00:35:12,740 --> 00:35:16,299
Now your plates, they are your feet, cos
in rhyme we're plates of meat. And you

485
00:35:16,300 --> 00:35:18,530
have to need for teeth, that's fairly
clear.

486
00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:22,699
And your teeth are in your mouth, which
is called your northern staff. And a

487
00:35:22,700 --> 00:35:26,780
pint of pigs here means you're a pint of
beer. So you can put up your feet,

488
00:35:26,781 --> 00:35:30,259
check out your ant's teeth, pour a pint
of beer down your northern staff. Put up

489
00:35:30,260 --> 00:35:33,459
your feet, check out your teeth, and
pour a pint of beer down your mouth.

490
00:35:33,460 --> 00:35:34,510
See?

491
00:35:34,571 --> 00:35:42,159
Now your trouble and your strife, that
is what you call a wife, because she's

492
00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:44,150
been one since the day that you were
wed.

493
00:35:44,580 --> 00:35:48,199
If you've got a load of kids, then
they're called your saucepan lids and

494
00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:50,370
bed upstairs that's called your uncle
Ned.

495
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:52,380
But you never call them stairs.

496
00:35:52,381 --> 00:35:55,959
They're your apples and your pears that
you climbed up when the current one is

497
00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:56,959
set.

498
00:35:56,960 --> 00:36:01,479
When you smoke an oily rag, it really
means you're fag, you're dog in dim or

499
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:02,530
snarl cigarette.

500
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:06,699
So you can plug in the saucepan, put up
your oily chest, and shovel up the

501
00:36:06,700 --> 00:36:09,939
apples to the uncle Ned. Plug in the
kids, put up your bag, and take them

502
00:36:09,940 --> 00:36:11,020
upstairs and go to bed.

503
00:36:15,530 --> 00:36:20,090
It is called a frog and toe. And the
pub's a rubber dub. We all know that.

504
00:36:21,190 --> 00:36:26,169
And a tumble down the sink is the
cockney name for drink. And your tipper

505
00:36:26,170 --> 00:36:27,490
your act. Your tipper tap.

506
00:36:27,710 --> 00:36:29,030
So you came.

507
00:36:29,031 --> 00:36:32,769
Put on your tipper. Go down the frog. Do
you have a little tumble in the rubber?

508
00:36:32,770 --> 00:36:33,820
Put on your act.

509
00:36:33,821 --> 00:36:36,399
We've got it on the road. We're having a
little drink here in the pub. So you

510
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:39,599
can put up your feet, check out your
hamsters, pour a pint of beer down your

511
00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:40,650
mouth.

512
00:36:43,260 --> 00:36:47,219
So you can tuck in the saucepan, put up
your ID, just drop it up between the

513
00:36:47,220 --> 00:36:52,839
uncle and aunt, tuck in the kids, put up
your bag, chase the wife upstairs and

514
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:53,890
go to bed.

515
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:11,640
Tattoos and a great big airy chest.

516
00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:18,719
She had a job trying to find someone to
marry her. Cos she was built like an

517
00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:19,840
aircraft carrier.

518
00:37:20,140 --> 00:37:23,340
Teeth like piranhas and fingers like
bananas.

519
00:37:23,720 --> 00:37:26,060
Could help anyone who crossed her path.

520
00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:32,819
One day she spun the channel with a
Magellan again. Stove on her back just

521
00:37:32,820 --> 00:37:33,870
laugh.

522
00:37:34,060 --> 00:37:39,440
Now my Uncle Joe kept his dough in a
bowl. He stuffed it all the way.

523
00:37:39,690 --> 00:37:40,740
beneath his bed.

524
00:37:41,330 --> 00:37:44,770
And talk about unwise up there was none
superior.

525
00:37:45,390 --> 00:37:48,410
He was as tight as a duck's posterior.

526
00:37:48,790 --> 00:37:50,410
And Joey wasn't charming.

527
00:37:50,670 --> 00:37:52,170
His feet, they smelt alarming.

528
00:37:52,330 --> 00:37:54,810
Never saw no sun nor water, I don't
think.

529
00:37:55,690 --> 00:37:59,969
Even our side held their noses when they
flew round Joey's toes because they

530
00:37:59,970 --> 00:38:01,090
couldn't stand it all.

531
00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:22,180
Beauty on my right.

532
00:38:23,240 --> 00:38:26,760
That's Shirley from Pearlie, my sweet
little Noah.

533
00:38:27,340 --> 00:38:33,059
What's her nickname when she's at home?
I call her Boil Sewer Puddin'. She eats

534
00:38:33,060 --> 00:38:37,259
like a good 'un. Make sure she gets
enough to scoff or else she'll have your

535
00:38:37,260 --> 00:38:42,039
whiskers off. And she doesn't eat up.
She is anything but good 'un. Cos every

536
00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:45,100
ounce begins to bounce. Yes, every pound
just flies around.

537
00:38:45,101 --> 00:38:49,039
Yes, every stone's got a life of its
own. Yes, every underweight's a plate of

538
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:50,090
bones.

539
00:38:51,630 --> 00:38:52,680
Feel a little weary.

540
00:38:52,681 --> 00:38:53,889
Got a little query.

541
00:38:53,890 --> 00:38:54,609
What's that?

542
00:38:54,610 --> 00:38:57,750
How did she get so fat? Look how it all
sticks out.

543
00:38:58,130 --> 00:39:02,869
Eating this and not eating that and
swilling lots of stuff. I should like to

544
00:39:02,870 --> 00:39:04,930
have one just the same as that.

545
00:39:05,230 --> 00:39:08,590
If I stood underneath them two, I
wouldn't need a hat.

546
00:39:10,870 --> 00:39:12,790
Where did you find her? Oh, pal.

547
00:39:14,270 --> 00:39:20,910
I went wife -swapping with me china gut
and we both had a gin too much.

548
00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:27,699
And I ain't a kiddin', that's the piece
of skirt that I swapped for me dear old

549
00:39:27,700 --> 00:39:34,539
darts. Now if I go home again without a
dart, I'll come out on a blooming

550
00:39:34,540 --> 00:39:35,590
crotch.

551
00:39:36,220 --> 00:39:41,519
Your old girl'll do enough, knock you
off your feet, Bill, off the bleeding

552
00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:42,570
street, Will.

553
00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:47,740
Ain't you got a little dear, got a
little nice one here? Oh, yeah.

554
00:39:48,180 --> 00:39:49,980
Fanny all right, Fanny all right.

555
00:39:49,981 --> 00:39:51,509
Funny little Fanny O 'Brien.

556
00:39:51,510 --> 00:39:54,849
With a pearly kink, it's the same old
song. I'm a little bit short, but I

557
00:39:54,850 --> 00:39:59,109
keep long. Taking off to church one day
with a spat of colorant dye on. And I

558
00:39:59,110 --> 00:40:00,610
always know I've got sweet Epo.

559
00:40:00,650 --> 00:40:01,970
Fanny O 'Brien.

560
00:40:09,210 --> 00:40:14,330
Nothing could be finer than to seize and
squeeze your china without warning.

561
00:40:16,370 --> 00:40:21,080
Snooty with my Shirley, my sweet pearly
girly early. in the morning.

562
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:25,960
She loves them shiny buttons because
they make her look swell.

563
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:31,199
She's got 30 ,000 sewn onto her night
years. Well, that's why it's all the

564
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:34,660
patchy wakes up bruised and rather
scratchy in the morning.

565
00:41:18,860 --> 00:41:23,199
It's the only place we know. On and on
and on you go. Fairly less and less is

566
00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:24,560
kings without a crown.

567
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:28,130
Dukes and earls with buttoned toes. And
queens without tiaras.

568
00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:32,040
We've had some fun today.

569
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:33,720
Now there'll be hell to pay.

570
00:41:36,780 --> 00:41:39,340
We're not the night away in London town.

571
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:43,340
We'll paint the town. We'll paint it
what is brown.

572
00:41:43,341 --> 00:41:47,179
I'm going to drink up a blooming top.
I'm going to dance to me back top off.

573
00:41:47,180 --> 00:41:48,260
Lord love you, London.

574
00:41:48,261 --> 00:41:49,829
to let you down.

575
00:41:49,830 --> 00:41:52,670
Window weather here forever, dear old
London town.

576
00:41:53,030 --> 00:41:57,410
Dilly -dally, dilly -dally, we'll
pretend you ain't of a puff as well.

577
00:41:57,650 --> 00:42:02,150
Dilly -dally, dilly -dally, there'll
always be an England. What is a

578
00:42:29,311 --> 00:42:36,159
I'd very much like to thank Chatham Day
for being with us in that last number,

579
00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:36,619
wouldn't I?

580
00:42:36,620 --> 00:42:37,670
Yes, indeed.

581
00:42:37,860 --> 00:42:42,539
That seems to be all we have time for
tonight, but before we go, a few late

582
00:42:42,540 --> 00:42:47,739
items. British Rail revealed today that
the switchboard at Waterloo Station has

583
00:42:47,740 --> 00:42:54,239
received 65 ,000 nuisance calls in the
last year. All from people wanting to

584
00:42:54,240 --> 00:42:55,560
know about train services.

585
00:42:55,561 --> 00:43:00,579
Can't believe it. News has just come in
that Sussex firemen have freed the

586
00:43:00,580 --> 00:43:01,630
drunken bell ringer.

587
00:43:01,631 --> 00:43:04,889
who forgot to let go of the rope during
the carol service and caught his ding

588
00:43:04,890 --> 00:43:05,970
-dong merrily on high.

589
00:43:12,490 --> 00:43:17,589
We'll be meeting a home economist who
crossed a ruptured weightlifter with a

590
00:43:17,590 --> 00:43:20,970
packet of quick brew and invented the
self -straining teabag.

591
00:43:23,490 --> 00:43:27,149
And I'll be talking to Mr Kirkby
Ashcroft, the Wellingborough sports

592
00:43:27,150 --> 00:43:29,800
spent his life inventing a game similar
to football.

593
00:43:29,801 --> 00:43:31,929
and now discovers that England have been
playing it for years.

594
00:43:31,930 --> 00:43:36,480
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